Fast Foward from 2009 until 2017

Thoughts on Graduation:

 

Here we are arriving at graduation. I am not sure what to think or how to feel. I just spent the last three years of my life in school. I finally have a job to look forward to (that’s not retail). I finally have all that I hope to achieve in my adult life (a job, a place to live, some stable income).

I had hoped to have achieved this a long time ago. That never happened (life throwing’ ya lemons) I look back and reflect on the last three years. What lessons have I learned? Who do I need to thank? Who is that I became in the last three years?  Did I just become some schlep who went back to school because I couldn’t find a job with my art school degree? I keep asking myself these questions. I have been doing that all week. These things have been playing in my mind all week. In my attempt to write honestly, (and hopefully better)- I am sharing the answers.

 

  1. Who have I become in the last three years?

I think for me, I became someone that once again had to push hard. I speak true to myself and say, “Nothing Ever Comes Easy” (which why I have this tattooed to me). I am learning to be fiercely unapologetic to others. I have had to push out so much negative in my life. When it came to negativity about my skills, my career, my looks (all of it – and god damn those looks because that self-image thing is such a bitch). I learned to push beyond what others wanted. I had to know deep down what I wanted. (I’ve read all that bad-ass books on girl bossing and such). I knew that I wanted a job. I had to prove everyone wrong and show them I was serious. I had to take extra courses in writing to show I was committed to getting better and what I set forth to do (Marketing ahem!)  (and the writing thing I am still getting down).

I became more of my true authentic self I feel like. I started to understand that (I ramble a lot) I can use both sides of my brain to create my career. I had to realize no matter what anyone says, “I am enough” (even though majority of the time my brain doesn’t say it). That’s who I am- someone who had to push beyond the words “Never going to happen”. I once heard my friend Esther tell me the one thing I’ve always liked about you “You know who you are and You are grounded in that”.

That life is can be harder than you think. Life can throw a lot of crap your way, you just must roll with it (hell half the time I was crying at life).

 

  1. What lessons have I learned?

“Failure Isn’t an Option”- Corri Mcfadden

I ended up getting this quote tattooed to me; because it spoke to me so deeply. I knew when I started school I just had to find something better. I set out to study web design. That didn’t quite work out the way I had hoped. Marketing just kind of fell in my lap. My biggest fear in life is that I would end up not being able to make it in the world (and I’m hanging in there now) I knew that Failure couldn’t be an option for me I had just had to make this degree work for me. Hopefully it will.

“You are the most vital part of your creativity” –Melissa Camilleri

“YOU” is the key emphasis here. I learned that without me there was no fun creativity in blogging, school, social media whatever I choose. That “I” had to make this happen.

“When it comes to blogging FUCK all of the hate*

A few of my good blogger friends (Corri Mcfadden , Hallie Wilson, Janet Mandell,  Jennifer Worman, Natalie CraigCourtney Quinn  and Maya Mcdonaldall pushed me to come back to blogging and told me to Fuck what everyone else thinks. These ladies are some serious bad ass babes (I thank them for the words of encouragement!) Here I am trying that out again! (and ps, the people on Get Off My Internets thanks for saying some of the things you did, because I realized hey you took the time to come to my blog and read it and tell me I am fat and ugly and ps I’m still here)

“Be who God made you to be”– Dad

Dads have the best advice, don’t they? My dad has been the person that I have needed the most in the last few years. He was always there with words of advice and continues to be. God created me to be this way and I need to keep on doin’.

Who do I have to thank?

Friends- if you have someway come across with me at work, school or social media without your love and friendship-you mean the world to me. (I don’t just use that term loosely) I have always felt somewhat isolated from society so the few people I do have in my circle mean a lot.

Dad- I love you. You are the man I admire so much. You mean so much. I can’t emphasize this enough.

God- without the almighty Father the one that was there in the deep down when no one else saw the pain-You were the one. I cant and couldn’t keep going the way I was without you God. I love you.

I feel fortunate to have these experiences in the last three years. Thank you for taking some small time out to read this experience. I look forward to the future and whatever may happen and hopefully a new blog to write in the future.

 

 

With love

-Alex

Speaking Out.

 

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Depression isn’t about, ‘Woe is me, my life is this, that and the other’, it’s like having the worst flu all day that you just can’t kick.

~Robbie Williams
With all the buzz about Robin Williams death, the biggest subject has come up a lot in social media. I feel as it is my duty in this blog to not ignore talking about what millions of Americans suffer from. Depression. Let me go for a minute and talk about my own personal journey with depression.
Ever since i was eight years old i have seen a physiologist.  My mother passed away when i was eight years old. It was under the good sense my dad brought me to a child psychologist.  When i was in high school, depression hit me bad. I was always sleeping, i didn’t have very many connections to the world on the outside. I started seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis. I took Welliburtin XL . When i moved away to college i stopped seeing the therapist. After college i graduated, i was at home for six months undergoing surgery i played second life all the time. The people in the game made me depressed. I spent most of my time in therapy.  I moved away to Chicago and then after two years came back to Iowa. I lost a lot of weight, i went through 6 months of unemployment. Those were some of the darkest times in my life. I had even called the national suicide hotline. I felt worthless. I felt pointless.. I moved away up and till now, i am currently in the process of going to seek help once again. For all my adult life, i have felt i never can connect to anyone. I feel always alone and that no on relates to me.  I once told a friend that depression, when you are diagnosed with it. It doesn’t leave you, it’s always there. Its like the roller coaster you can’t get off. Some might think we are suburbanites folded to the pressure of American society. For me, its genetic in my family. My family has a high suicide rate. My great uncle killed himself. My own father has dealt a lot in his life with depression. I see in it a lot of my other family members.  I was recently reading a post about Robin and his problems. A lot of people, have said that “Oh well we didn’t know Robin but that’s terrible to what he did how selfish”. I look at suicide two ways. To your love ones, yes it is very selfish,. Taking away your life to someone you love. I have personally lost two wonderful people in my own life due to suicide. I can vouch for the pain that lays in that. I had a friend in college that committed suicide. I cant ever forget the moment i told her, “hey lets hang out again” and we never got that chance.  The other way to look at it, is in my own depressive mindset, i can think of it as the only way out. Now i am not condoning suicide in anyways. I am just trying to help you understand from my own mind how i saw it.  For me I’d rather sleep away and not deal with my issues.  I would rather just forget about money problems, issues going on at work or school. Depression is not something you ever joke about.
I have a lot of friends who don’t really believe in therapy or help. Some people say you need a swift kick in the ass. I always have believe in the power of therapy. I only can wondering in Robin’s last thoughts, will America miss me? Twice as many people die every year of suicide in America. If you are sitting here reading this post, and your thinking please this is bullshit. I honestly urge you to those around, you if they are depressed don’t let them go. For myself i had issues with my own relationship with my partner, my other parts of my life. I found myself doing things i shouldn’t do. I tend to shop a lot to deal with my depression (yes we have seen this) but i am in therapy now and getting the help i needed. I am a firm believer in the power of therapy.
What also has helped me is my faith in God. i have always been religious, even though i have been so broke i couldn’t afford to drive to church on Sundays. I am still a factor in my life is my saving grace is my faith in Jesus Christ. I firmly believe that for me, its what saved me.  Sometimes i feel like i cant ever escape things of this world, bills, problems, the feeling of total isolation. I know that my faith has a lot to do with it.
I also urge if you are reading and need to seek help. Please don’t hesitate to talk to a parent, a friend, someone you trust. If you are feeling suicidal please call the national suicide hotline.
I really hope that this has helped you to understand why i chose to speak out and up about depression and Robin Williams. Depression is something you can not ignore. I hope you feel blessed today and know you are loved.
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I Miss The Days of Being On Fire.

MotivationIt’s funny that the summer is almost over. I had been thinking about it being summer, and how this summer what have i accomplished? I can’t really say that i have a don a ton of things. I haven’t gone anywhere. I hardly yardsled or thrifed. I’ve been trying to save my money. I however have been recently struggling with my blog. I really am trying to keep going with it. I recently told a blogging friend that i cant find a community that styled in the heartland belongs into. I post my outfits, i do my thing. Mostly my outfits are thrown together in seconds because my mind thinks fast. I have had other friends tell me your blog is terrible You cant write properly. It has made me feel like this is such a discouragement to me.   I however, told myself this summer your gonna post everyday for 1 month. Monday – Friday. I started that back in july. What happen is that my blog became infested with malaware. It totally ruined my plans of posting every week. I became lazy and not focused.

Sometimes we all need motivation. Kinda like exercising? I think lately what has been driving me, it feels natural when i step in front of that camera. It has been long in my history of photographing myself. i feel at home. I really lately have enjoyed photographing myself. I have also been really influencing and watching documentaries on Bands like Nirvana, The Sex Pistols, and many other various people. I find myself just thinking about my blog, that i started this thing to be famous and popular> (i still can dream?). I fully realize that it wont be like that now. I just enjoy having my creative little space that i can do what i want.

When i work, i am a rather shy person. I want to take my photos and write the way i see things. I have made a promise to myself, to just keep going. Forget what you originally wanted. Don’t keep thinking this or this will happen. Just keep going. Build on what you like to do. I kinda of guess that’s kind of how i feel about life lately. Stop listening to everyone else. Just do who you are. Stop having these pre-concieved notions of being famous for a blog. I am thinking that despite trying to achieve success. I am just going to keep thrifting and being true to owning that. I struggle with no one reading this blog. I struggle with people being super critical of my writing. I struggle with everyone thinking this is a big joke.

I think for me,  the term “Blog Like A Motherfucker” is a relative term. It is more for me to stay motivated. It is just a thing, you know motivation. It’s to work hard. To just keep taking photos for me. I think maybe I’ll find a community or a place I’ll fit in with my blog. I just am making you a promise in this post, to just keep doing this. I promise trying not to be lazy even during school and keep going. #BLOGLIKEAMOTHERFUCKER.