Speaking Out.

 

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Depression isn’t about, ‘Woe is me, my life is this, that and the other’, it’s like having the worst flu all day that you just can’t kick.

~Robbie Williams
With all the buzz about Robin Williams death, the biggest subject has come up a lot in social media. I feel as it is my duty in this blog to not ignore talking about what millions of Americans suffer from. Depression. Let me go for a minute and talk about my own personal journey with depression.
Ever since i was eight years old i have seen a physiologist.  My mother passed away when i was eight years old. It was under the good sense my dad brought me to a child psychologist.  When i was in high school, depression hit me bad. I was always sleeping, i didn’t have very many connections to the world on the outside. I started seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis. I took Welliburtin XL . When i moved away to college i stopped seeing the therapist. After college i graduated, i was at home for six months undergoing surgery i played second life all the time. The people in the game made me depressed. I spent most of my time in therapy.  I moved away to Chicago and then after two years came back to Iowa. I lost a lot of weight, i went through 6 months of unemployment. Those were some of the darkest times in my life. I had even called the national suicide hotline. I felt worthless. I felt pointless.. I moved away up and till now, i am currently in the process of going to seek help once again. For all my adult life, i have felt i never can connect to anyone. I feel always alone and that no on relates to me.  I once told a friend that depression, when you are diagnosed with it. It doesn’t leave you, it’s always there. Its like the roller coaster you can’t get off. Some might think we are suburbanites folded to the pressure of American society. For me, its genetic in my family. My family has a high suicide rate. My great uncle killed himself. My own father has dealt a lot in his life with depression. I see in it a lot of my other family members.  I was recently reading a post about Robin and his problems. A lot of people, have said that “Oh well we didn’t know Robin but that’s terrible to what he did how selfish”. I look at suicide two ways. To your love ones, yes it is very selfish,. Taking away your life to someone you love. I have personally lost two wonderful people in my own life due to suicide. I can vouch for the pain that lays in that. I had a friend in college that committed suicide. I cant ever forget the moment i told her, “hey lets hang out again” and we never got that chance.  The other way to look at it, is in my own depressive mindset, i can think of it as the only way out. Now i am not condoning suicide in anyways. I am just trying to help you understand from my own mind how i saw it.  For me I’d rather sleep away and not deal with my issues.  I would rather just forget about money problems, issues going on at work or school. Depression is not something you ever joke about.
I have a lot of friends who don’t really believe in therapy or help. Some people say you need a swift kick in the ass. I always have believe in the power of therapy. I only can wondering in Robin’s last thoughts, will America miss me? Twice as many people die every year of suicide in America. If you are sitting here reading this post, and your thinking please this is bullshit. I honestly urge you to those around, you if they are depressed don’t let them go. For myself i had issues with my own relationship with my partner, my other parts of my life. I found myself doing things i shouldn’t do. I tend to shop a lot to deal with my depression (yes we have seen this) but i am in therapy now and getting the help i needed. I am a firm believer in the power of therapy.
What also has helped me is my faith in God. i have always been religious, even though i have been so broke i couldn’t afford to drive to church on Sundays. I am still a factor in my life is my saving grace is my faith in Jesus Christ. I firmly believe that for me, its what saved me.  Sometimes i feel like i cant ever escape things of this world, bills, problems, the feeling of total isolation. I know that my faith has a lot to do with it.
I also urge if you are reading and need to seek help. Please don’t hesitate to talk to a parent, a friend, someone you trust. If you are feeling suicidal please call the national suicide hotline.
I really hope that this has helped you to understand why i chose to speak out and up about depression and Robin Williams. Depression is something you can not ignore. I hope you feel blessed today and know you are loved.
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7 comments on “Speaking Out.

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I have depression as well and of course some days are harder than others. It is always nice to know I am not alone even though I would never wish this upon anyone else.

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