The Close of 2018.

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Hello,

It has been a lifetime since I have written in this blog, well more than a lifetime has gone.

I wanted to take some time and write to an old familiar friend my blog, the one thing I think that has remained non – judgmental in my life. It’s almost New Years can you believe that? I certainly can’t believe that another year has gone. Two thousand eighteen has sure been a complicated and very confusing year for me.

Let’s explore the reasons why I am not overly thrilled about 2018.

Last year I was unemployed for most of the year, I have always had difficulty finding a job. I owe alot in school loans and its hard for me. I interview and interview and its just been tough. Others get lucky in some areas, well sadly I have had no luck. I am sure the right job will come around. Currently, I am right now working another temp job. I am very grateful.

During my time unemployed I became very depressed and very hopeless. As I often have felt doubts about depression, throughout my life, (it’s a genetic/ family/ history/ feeling too), I would stay up all night and sleep all day. I have very little interaction with people minus my online friends (on Instagram). I would go to stores like the grocery store and feel anxious because people would talk to me (say hello, etc.). I thought here I am 31 years old, and I have failed at my life. The word “Failure” has such a strong sense in my brain. A former friend once told me “You’re parents help you out at everything in you’re like what do you have to worry about?”. There’s a lot I have to worry. Often I have felt that I let my parents down, that I again “Failed” (there’s that old ugly word). For now, though before I spill my total heart, I have a job. I’m living the best way I can the best way I know how to.

During the time I was unemployed, my dad whom I owe alot too thought I should try the “trades” such as (electrical, carpentry and such others). My Dad works as a trade instructor (been in the trades since the 1980s). First off it’s hard for a woman to get hired in the trades first off. Its hard also without having zero construction in the past. I previously worked with a contractor doing some small jobs but nothing significant. I got hired by a company to be an apprentice (which means the low -end of the totem pole). The state of Iowa (non-union) requires me to go to school for four years (Log 365 classroom hours and 8000 work hours pass a test, and you’re licensed). So here I am an apprentice, and going to start classes… I had a hard time to start, and I was terrible at it. The problem with me being an electrician: I was slow, not skilled, and terrible at math. I am more of a creative person, hard-wired to be creative, and work in business.

So here I am an electrician, and I have a fall off a ladder. I fell, and a month or two later I had a Dr’s appointment, and I tore my ACL & MCL. I was going to need surgery. It was pretty bad, and It was terrible in the eyes of my company (who had been accident-free for awhile). I was not able to work for months, and when I did go back to work, I had a panic attack on a ladder and had to get down. I had some support from a local group, on Facebook, but it didn’t help me. I was doing excellent in the classes (because well according to some people “I’m a professional student”) but just one circumstance lead to the other, and it was a disaster. I ended up being let go from the job. However, it wasn’t terrible because I wasn’t making much and It was hard on my body, and some people can do it (not me). So that’s where the previous job I mentioned comes in I took a temp job.

Now you can understand where I was during my time at the electrical place. You can understand now about my knee. There however is another factor that plays into this too. Right after I had my accident the state I live in had alot of rain. I was at home in my apartment working, and I noticed water coming in my room, my other room and living room. That’s right, and my apartment flooded utterly. I had 15 mins to try to get everything up off the ground and save what I could. Doing this all with a torn knee (before surgery) was not fun. The whole weekend was a nightmare; I had to stay at the hotel 30 mins away because everything was gone. Facing homeless for a month, more money than I wanted to spend on essentials (food, toiletries, etc.). I was not the only who was flooded out, however; alot of Iowans felt the and dealt with the same things as me.
I was on the news and had received assistance from the red cross. I am utterly grateful to friends who let me stay at there house for one month, and my parents for helping me move out of my awful apartment with my landlord who was a complete slumlord asshole.

My parents and I ended up buying a trailer together. In the beginning, I was not more than thrilled being referred to as “trailer trash.” However, I need to learn to count my blessings. Its dry, safe and although we had to replace the roof right away it’s home. There are alot of bad DIY’s that the prior owners had done, but thank God for my Dad and his handy skills. We will make it/ change it/ do what we want with it. It’s home plus I got alot of great ideas from Pinterest and other sources.

Another shocking thing that seemed to happen in 2018 is that I lost my uncle to lung cancer. I am not very close to my dad’s side of the family, just because specific family dynamics have a spill in that. I have never felt accepted by my family. There are so many differences between them and me that it makes it that much more difficult.
I never really knew how sick my uncle was till it was too late. The night he died, I had my phone off, and computer off. That night I received three emails, calls and texts from my Dad letting me know its important. Now if you have followed me for a while, you know that those kinds of requests I hate (they gave me major anxiety) because when my mom died, the same thing happened. So naturally, I thought it was my grandma or grandpa, no it was my uncle. The visitation and funeral were bizarre. Lots of people I didn’t know a few I did. It was also hard because it was feeling pain with my knee (crutches) The only thing I could think of during the entire funeral was a quote I heard from Disney’s movie “Pollyanna.”

What I have to say now is very difficult for me. But it must be said. I look out to you now, and realize, of four years in this congregation, I don’t even know you. I look out to you now not as my congregation but as people, and I say to myself” how sad it is it to have missed those four years” — four years when we could have been friends. I should have been looking for the good in you, and I failed you. I apologize for this. God is forgiving, but it’s not God’s forgiveness I ask it’s yours.” ~ (Swift, 1960)

All this time, I thought why couldn’t of my family get together like a family. Why did we have to be so separate? Why couldn’t we be together as a family? It just has a lot to do with family dynamics. The sad thing is I didn’t recognize my uncle at all; cancer had eaten him away. Sure, the funeral was nicely done, and it was nice to see extended family. I was also dealing with my internal issues, about my family and trying to understand God’s reasoning here. I felt like I made peace with my aunt, who doesn’t have a high opinion of my family. I thought that I did the best I could with that situation. However, the work doesn’t seem to stop there. I took up seeing a therapist this year, to talk about all the issues I’ve faced and talking does help.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. The reason behind this is because I need to lose weight or get rid of certain toxic things in my life. The trouble is that it’s me driving me to a better me or in my head what I think can be a better me. I often thought I’d want to be famous, but I realized I couldn’t deal with fame. I have a hard enough time with my life as it is, but fame only amplifies my anxiety more. I think that 2018 was not a year to remember. With all the issues I had it just made it so much harder.

There’s a quote from a popular Christian children’s program I want to quote about mental illness and those that suffer from it. Now I’m not the best Christian sure I’ve made a lot of mistakes, said a lot of things I don’t mean and had people that would think and say otherwise, but I do the best I can)

Mr. Whitaker: There are a lot of Christians who have a hard time dealing with unanswered prayer we want God to heal in our, and problems like mental illness make it even messier for us, we like happy endings we want these people to get better and get on with our lives like good Christians. You know the story of Horatio Spafford. Eugene: He’s the one who lost all of his children in a shipwreck when he wrote the Hymn “It is Well” in response to the tragedy. Mr. Whitaker: Yes, we love that story because Spafford showed so much faith and courage because of his circumstances, but it didn’t end with the writing of the hymn. Eugene: It didn’t? Mr. Whitaker: He died in the middle east under the delusion he was the messiah Eugene: That’s terrible. Mr. Whitaker: yeah it sure is but it happened We don’t hear much about it because it sounds like Spafford somehow failed at his life. Christians who can’t cope are like poor advertising they’re embarrassing to us. It raises questions We find hard to answer. Like where is God when We become mentally ill? Where is faith? Eugene. Have you come up with the answers? Mr. Whitaker: Me, I can only speculate like everyone else. Eugene: What have you speculated? Mr. Whitaker: Only that the various forms of mental illness are very complex and not easily fixed and like any illness, God sometimes heals immediately and sometimes He takes His time. Sometimes He won’t heal at all His reasons are his own. Eugene: where does that leave us? Mr. Whitaker: Stuck with the frailty of our humanness dependent on the power on the God’s will. ~ (The Other Women)

There are a lot of things in 2018, as I wrap this up, I don’t want to think about because I had a severe panic attack looking back at this year. I have set some small goals for 2019 so far. I hope to work towards meeting them and seeing them through. I leave you with the best intentions of having a happy & safe new year.

With all my love,

Alex

Swift, D. (Writer), & Swift, D. (Director). (1960). Pollyanna [Motion Picture]. Buena Vista Distribution.

The Other Women. (n.d.). On Welcome Home. United States : T. Busteed.


Fast Foward from 2009 until 2017

Thoughts on Graduation:

 

Here we are arriving at graduation. I am not sure what to think or how to feel. I just spent the last three years of my life in school. I finally have a job to look forward to (that’s not retail). I finally have all that I hope to achieve in my adult life (a job, a place to live, some stable income).

I had hoped to have achieved this a long time ago. That never happened (life throwing’ ya lemons) I look back and reflect on the last three years. What lessons have I learned? Who do I need to thank? Who is that I became in the last three years?  Did I just become some schlep who went back to school because I couldn’t find a job with my art school degree? I keep asking myself these questions. I have been doing that all week. These things have been playing in my mind all week. In my attempt to write honestly, (and hopefully better)- I am sharing the answers.

 

  1. Who have I become in the last three years?

I think for me, I became someone that once again had to push hard. I speak true to myself and say, “Nothing Ever Comes Easy” (which why I have this tattooed to me). I am learning to be fiercely unapologetic to others. I have had to push out so much negative in my life. When it came to negativity about my skills, my career, my looks (all of it – and god damn those looks because that self-image thing is such a bitch). I learned to push beyond what others wanted. I had to know deep down what I wanted. (I’ve read all that bad-ass books on girl bossing and such). I knew that I wanted a job. I had to prove everyone wrong and show them I was serious. I had to take extra courses in writing to show I was committed to getting better and what I set forth to do (Marketing ahem!)  (and the writing thing I am still getting down).

I became more of my true authentic self I feel like. I started to understand that (I ramble a lot) I can use both sides of my brain to create my career. I had to realize no matter what anyone says, “I am enough” (even though majority of the time my brain doesn’t say it). That’s who I am- someone who had to push beyond the words “Never going to happen”. I once heard my friend Esther tell me the one thing I’ve always liked about you “You know who you are and You are grounded in that”.

That life is can be harder than you think. Life can throw a lot of crap your way, you just must roll with it (hell half the time I was crying at life).

 

  1. What lessons have I learned?

“Failure Isn’t an Option”- Corri Mcfadden

I ended up getting this quote tattooed to me; because it spoke to me so deeply. I knew when I started school I just had to find something better. I set out to study web design. That didn’t quite work out the way I had hoped. Marketing just kind of fell in my lap. My biggest fear in life is that I would end up not being able to make it in the world (and I’m hanging in there now) I knew that Failure couldn’t be an option for me I had just had to make this degree work for me. Hopefully it will.

“You are the most vital part of your creativity” –Melissa Camilleri

“YOU” is the key emphasis here. I learned that without me there was no fun creativity in blogging, school, social media whatever I choose. That “I” had to make this happen.

“When it comes to blogging FUCK all of the hate*

A few of my good blogger friends (Corri Mcfadden , Hallie Wilson, Janet Mandell,  Jennifer Worman, Natalie CraigCourtney Quinn  and Maya Mcdonaldall pushed me to come back to blogging and told me to Fuck what everyone else thinks. These ladies are some serious bad ass babes (I thank them for the words of encouragement!) Here I am trying that out again! (and ps, the people on Get Off My Internets thanks for saying some of the things you did, because I realized hey you took the time to come to my blog and read it and tell me I am fat and ugly and ps I’m still here)

“Be who God made you to be”– Dad

Dads have the best advice, don’t they? My dad has been the person that I have needed the most in the last few years. He was always there with words of advice and continues to be. God created me to be this way and I need to keep on doin’.

Who do I have to thank?

Friends- if you have someway come across with me at work, school or social media without your love and friendship-you mean the world to me. (I don’t just use that term loosely) I have always felt somewhat isolated from society so the few people I do have in my circle mean a lot.

Dad- I love you. You are the man I admire so much. You mean so much. I can’t emphasize this enough.

God- without the almighty Father the one that was there in the deep down when no one else saw the pain-You were the one. I cant and couldn’t keep going the way I was without you God. I love you.

I feel fortunate to have these experiences in the last three years. Thank you for taking some small time out to read this experience. I look forward to the future and whatever may happen and hopefully a new blog to write in the future.

 

 

With love

-Alex

It’s been a long, long night

The farther I go, the further you get away from who we really are
I choose a different route, a different path in life
Praised by many, yet still labeled an outcast

 

Hi there, you are probably wondering where I have been? Why did I decide to take almost a year break from my blog. I decided to step back out of the light for awhile to take a hard look at my blog. Was this blog something I wanted to continue ? Was this something that I felt i needed to do to be creative?  I honestly felt that after a year almost away I still am unsure that I want to keep going.

One of the main reasons I originally started i chased the blog for the wrong reasons. I just wanted to be famous- which totally was the wrong reason. I didn’t want to work hard. Once I initially got over that crap I started to work at this whole blog. After everything that was plastered all over Get Off My Internets. I cracked down on how i wrote, my blog , my photos. It still didn’t click though I still didn’t feel like i was doing this whole thing right. I deeply was ashamed of myself and my blog. I am only human.. I admit putting your life on the internet wasn’t the best idea.

I wasn’t being accepted by society already due to my size. I struggled being accepted by this blogging community. I’ve taken almost close to a year off. I still consider myself a blogger. I am still struggling to keep this going or not. While I was away I Started a couponing blog and I write a gaming blog as well. I kept those going for the fun of it. I just don’t know if style or my weird sense of fashion has a place in this world.

I wanted to originally write some sappy post, but that didn’t sound OK. I wanted to write a short post. I’ve been working on my writing slowly since I’ve been gone. I’ve been working on a lot of changes in my life. If you follow me on Instagram you know that i have gotten rid of tons of junk. I have had people pushing me to donate, recycle and sell crap. It’s been a therapeutic process for me. It has been good and the best experience of my life.

I don’t know honestly if I’m going to keep posting fashion in the real world. I might use this blog for just personal writing ,or what ever. I don’t know but this weekend I’m going to GBS again. I cant wait for a vacation and to clear my head.

Until maybe next time,

alexandria

It’s been a long, long night
and we’re still learning how to survive.
Will you walk with me awhile,
and see a world with brand new eyes?
We see the sights,
and we’re fighting for our lives.

 

 

Modern Day Thanksgiving

Modern-Day-ThanksgivingModern Day Pilgrim

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Modern Day Native American

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I thought today I would take on a fun way to show a Modern Day Thanksgiving. I found a way to show Pilgrims and Native Americans! Let’s remember the first thanksgiving and those who came before us! Let’s celebrate Thanksgiving fashionably! There are so many great options for you to wear to your Thanksgiving dinner. ! Happy Tuesday

Alexandria

BRB

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I hate to break my tradition and goal here. I do feel like its time for a break. I need to break and re-group my process and thoughts regarding this blog. I need a week to decide where my focus is going to be . Since this whole wake up call i have had with this blog. I dont know where its headed. Let me re group, focus and ill brb.

SALE SALE SALE!!!!!

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Happy Labor Day! I am totally late with getting on the bandwagon with all the crazy end of summer sales. While your at the bbq in your shorts, pull out your smart phone and START SHOPPING!

-Clothing-

Aldo– take 10 off on orders of $100 or more.

Aeropostale– take 70% Sitewide

American Apparel– take 30 % of site wide (code BIGDEAL)

Anthropologie– 20% off select styles

ASOS- take 20% off all sale items

Barneys Warehouse – Up to 30% off clearance items

Bauble Bar- 50% off or more (select markdowns) – 20% off full price stuff.

Bergdorf Goodman – Up to 40% off select RTW items

BCBGeneration- 40% sitewide

Bloomingdales (Hello Designer Bags?) – take up to 60% off of brand new markdowns. (this weekend ONLY)

Club Monaco – extra 40% off sale items extra 50% off clearance items (Code HEYFALL)

Diane Von Furstenburg (DVF.com) – take 30% of new fall styles (this weekend only)

Express– Everything is 40% off

Forever 21– Buy one get one free on all sale items

Gap- Up to 40% off online and in stores.

H&M – Shop the Labor Day sale with prices starting at just 4.95 (this weekend only)

Kiarna Ziabete – Up to 75% of sale items

Last call Neiman Marcus- take an extra 25% of sitewide this weekend (only)

Loft– 50% off new fall styles 50% off all full priced items.

Jcrew– 40% on everything that’s final sale. Free shipping throughout labor day

Jcrew Factory Outlet– 40% to 60% off all items

Madwell- Take 20% off select dress and boots plus an extra 30% of sale (code YESYES) until Sept 2

Nasty Gal– 30%, 40% ,50 % on all items! #GIRLBOSS

Nordstrom- 40% of all sale

Old Navy– Up to 40% online and in stores.

The Outnet – up to 50% of M by Missoni Merchandise

Scoop NYC- extra 40% of sale items

Shopbop – up to 70% of select items

Topshop – 30% of select items

Tory Burch – up to 30% off site wide (with code LABORDAY14)

Trina Turk– extra 20% off sale items (till Sept 2)

 -Beauty-

Sephora – 75 % off summer items

Toofaced- up to 70% off toofaced cosmetics

 

Happy Labor Day Shopping ,- Overspend for me xx

 

alex

 

#IAMWOMEN

 

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IAMWOMENCART

Shirt: Thrifted

Old Navy Rockstars | Gray

Shoes: Dakota Basic Editions

Boss Necklace

Glasses : Vintage

Bracelets : All Thrifted

Happy Tuesday! (you survived Monday right?) Today is my first “Full” day of school. This is pretty much what i look on a normal school day. My Favorite Old Navy Jeans, a quirky t shirt, and my favorite Kmart shoes. Simplistic and cute! Have a HAPPY tuesday!

xx

Alex

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOL dude, LOL

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You know all those hilarious T- shirts, that you see all over Pintrest & Tumblr. Well I’ve compiled by favorite ones here. More than recently i remember these T-shirts have become more popular this past year and in 2013. The rise of the funny cult shirts have become a sensation. I thought it might be fun to compile ones that are super funny.

 

Bitches Get Stuff Done | Go Fuck Your Seflie | Monday Is A Basic Bitch | No One Believes In Me | All I Care About Is Pizza And Like Two People| 97Cats | Plans with My Cat| Iowa Bitch| Npr Cool | Satan Made Me Do it | Thug Life | I watch netflix | Trillhouse | I have a date with netflix | To Be Or Not To Be | Home Isnt Where |

Snacking Obessions.

SnackObsessionsxSTYHLLately I’ve been on this kick, about snacking. Healthy Snacking, or Snacking in general, For along time ive kinda searched for snacks that are healthy and crunchy and fun.

 

First we have Snyders pretzels these are like the greatest little snack ever. my boyfriend turned me onto the pretzel. I wasn’t the hugest pretzel fan in the world. I thought they were so boring. I recently took a trip to target. I was recently looking in the snack isle and i came across Synders Pretzels. Snyders pretzel run about 3.00-4.00 a bag. They are very tasty. I was first turned onto the cheese type. I’m a huge fan of cheddar, but then recently i tried the ranch.. Hello taste buds. They are so tasty and good.. They kind of taste like a little pickle tasting at fist but the ranch is super good and Target has a deal right now (2 for 5.00 check local target stores for that deal).

Secondly we have the Harvest snaps. I tried this snack about a year ago, from a former co-worker. I really enjoyed the flavor. I have tried a lot of the flavors that they offer. I recently picked up the tomato basil. The Cesar flavor its my favorite! First in Iowa (Des Moines) they were hard to find. My local Hy-vee finally had them. I was so stoked, but a recent trip to target i picked up a bag. There’s not very many in a bag, but they are SO delicious. They don’t really taste like peas, but they are cesar flavored. They run about 3.00-4.00 a bag too. They are so worth it.

Thridly we have the Pop Chip, I willingly admitted have never tried the pop chips. I recently won a contest with Chicago Bloggers Network for a twitter party. I won a whole case of pop chips! There are so many flavors to love. The first flavor I fell in love with , was the sweet potato, who knew that one could love sweet potatoes so much in a chip? They also have many other great flavors. The barbeque is the best too. The chips have no fake colors, no fake flavors, no preservatives, no fluorescent orange fingertips! They are healthy and flavorful and a better crunchy treat. Check out pop chips today!

Synders of Hanover | Harvest Snaps | Pop Chips

*all opinions are my own. i was not compensated for this post.

Jewelry Hoarding 101

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Well as you guessed it, you know what this post is about, its just about for the love of jewelry. I have been collecting jewelry for as long as i can remember. I love vintage brooches, pins and a lot of other items i usually find interesting. I like knowing that this jewelry was someone else jewelry before hand.  My favorite Piece (although not pictured here but below is a picture of me wearing it) is my vintage peacock necklace i bought when i visited New York City (what a trip that was i wont ever forget crying in a Chanel store or singing the 5th avenue song by Fred Estaire on 5th Avenue)

Lately, I have been feeling overwhelmed with the amount i have, don’t get me wrong i love to wake up and Have my choices on what i can wear and my jewelery is NEVER boring (You can ask the Claire’s associates, I’m always in there picking up jewelry.)  I really wanted a better storage for my bulky jewelery most of my jewelry is Hung on bulletin boards i purchased from salvation army. Its somewhat difficult to keep up with that much stuff, (yes hi i need a hoarding show) so i finally bought one of those super expensive tall jewelry stands (thanks to a local consignment store called Stuff Etc i picked up one for 53.00) I got this awesome jewelry holder for all my precious jewels that i love so much. its got pull out drawers and locks so no one can touch my jewelry. Below i have listed some good options for you if you are/and or have Way to much jewelry. Like i said, my favorite things to do are look at estate sales, antique shops and goodwill , salvation army for vintage or used jewelery because i get all my best finds from those (aka look above and see the miss piggy and Donald duck pins i found)

Initial Letter “Necklace Hanger ”  -Clarie’s | Merlot Large Jewelry Armoire – Jcpenny- | Jewelry Distressed Oak – Walmart |   Jewelery Armoire – Amazon

(those are a few options for you for storage for your Jewelry.  If you get lucky search Craig’s List  too, i have seen a few on there as well.  Or if you are like me you can DIY your own earring boards (all you need is foam, and fabric and presto, a earring board)

i hope you all had a fun read on this,

 

Thank you

Alexandria