I’ve been taking a summer break from styled in the heartland, a lot has changed and happened since i went off to Go Blog Social, (which i learned a lot) I was hoping to have my blog re-done and changed but its just not in my current budget to do so. I am out of school finally, and I’m at a brand new job which i have very little time to actually blog but im going to try to when i can.. I don’t want to go into all those mixed emotions i have about blogging and just not feeling part of a group or that i just suck at coming up with titles or styles that people are into but myself.
Today my dear friend Maya from Charmingly Styled is leading a campaign called #RealBloggerBeauty. I want to share my story, i felt compelled to do so as other ladies have shared there stories and some of them are amazing. Well lets see where do i begin with me?
I’d say it was about sometime when i was in elementary school i weighed about probably what most girls weigh now in the 120-140 range. I knew that when i got to junior high and high school i was gonna be bigger and i was. i was plus sized in jr and high school, and i guess that’s where my love of thrift stores started. I couldn’t find clothes that never would ever fit me and i had to start shopping there because i always found things i loved. I really wanted to write a book called “skinny issues”. The book was to talk about issues, i suffered from being a bigger girl. It really sucked for me in high school, guys weren’t interested in someone that was bigger, they just looked at me and said “Absolutely not”. It was hard not having a mother in my life ,to tell me that guys don’t matter its your self that matters. I suffered mostly in my high school years though depression, anxiety and suicide attempts (a lot of that i would later learn that it is ramped in my family and generational). I still hated my body. I remember i made this t shirt in high school that said “I’m glad I’m fat so then guys wont use me”. I made it as a joke but people were more or less impressed. I still thought maybe people would get a joke out of it, but yet i was still hating my body.
Skip to college i suffered a lot of the same issues, (and second life entered my life here and you can learn about that from my previous GBS Post). When i went away to art school i thought “Ive found my people”. People like me artsy, and i got the hell out of Iowa. Yet throughout my college years i experienced the same things as high school and Jr high. I was the only one who hadn’t really dated anyone my first boyfriends (3) were met on the internet and i never have met them even though one of them and i still pretty awesome friends. I remember my sophomore year of college did this photography project called “Campus Girls. The Girls of Iowa was a sexy calender where college girls from U of I and some of them i actually knew. I actually shot my self in sexy lingerie and pasted my self into beaches , to talk about how beauty is very skin deep and it was very scandalous and sexual, and my teacher thought it was brilliant and gave me A+ for it (that critique was heated). I struggled throughout college trying to love and accept myself. Trying to understand why i was single, why guys looked me and thought i was ugly. I hated myself deeply (which is a little bit why i played second life so much because i got to be a beautiful girl no one thought was fat or ugly). Believe me when i say ive heard it all, i have, i have heard “Fat Ass, Ugly as Fuck, Attention Whore, Basket Case, Crazy, Shit faced ugly, Obese, Big Girl, Thunder Thighs, Fucking Ugly as Shit. You name I’ve been called it. It never really came to my attention till my senior year of college where i really started to explore my self and inner loneliness in depth in my thesis called “Dwelling single” which was really a study of why I’m always alone ,or i feel so very alone all the time. The funny thing is i remember my senior year, i totally identified with a porn star called “Erik Rhodes (he once dated marc jacobs ) and he was addicted to heroin but some of the things he was saying about how he felt, i felt the exact same way. (his current blog is here)
“Everyone’s looking, everyone hides
Everyone’s telling everyone lies
We’re changing the subject, we’re turning away
Away from the heart of it all
You say you are happy, do you think this is fun?
Well, it’s only a firefly to the light of the sun
You say this is living, you feel so alive
Well, you know everything dies”
After i graduated college i spent a good 6 years (until now still hating my body). Skip to the time i lived in Chicago (which i miss EVERYTHING about that). i was so poor i didn’t have two dimes to rub together and my parents kept supporting me. I tried everything there to find a boyfriend, but i heard it all “Your Fat , Your Ugly gross”. I used to walk up and down oak street and look at the expensive things in Prada and Hermes , thinking i wish i could fit that, but (the funny thing is finding amazing clothes was never a problem because i just wore things no one else was wearing and everyone else thought was weird thanks to the village outlet) I was gonna throw myself out there to anyone who wanted me, i was so desperate for someone to accept me and love me. I did finally date someone, but it didn’t last because they had trust issues and were in a bad financial situation. I still hated my body i was 280 pound thinking God, why did you make me this fat, all my friends are so skinny and can fit ANYTHING and I’m struggling to find a good job , (i even remember i tried to be a adult dancer because i had no where else to turn and even i tried being a sugar baby i had NO where else to turn) Fast forward to when i moved back to Davenport Iowa, (i cried all the way home out of Chicago).
The first year in davenport, i struggled with depression and intense loneliness and i felt isolated from everything and everyone, (even i was playing Second Life i felt exactly the same way) but i learn that i was OK with that, I had a random hook up with a guy i met through craigs list (worst mistake ever). I had been on so many sugar baby| Daddy websites trying to get someone to love me and accept me for who i was. I idolized people like Corri McFadden and her staff because they were all these pretty rich and hard working and skinny girls who i wanted to be . I had one sugar daddy that liked me who sent me like 40.00 and after that i felt deep inside, i had to loose some weight its not healthy and then came the greatest time 9months of my life, i lost 60lbs. I couldn’t Tell you that time in my life was more freeing than anything. i felt so empowered. everyone came out of the woodwork’s to support me and saw me change and i felt strong and powerful. I then shortly after 2012 i lost my job. I got a job but it was a job i was terrible at i didn’t belong at and i hated. I was sent into nearly almost a year of serious depression and weight gained. ( ive probably gained about 20lbs back). Enter 2013: I decided towards the end of 2013 i was going to get out of davenport. I hated it there. need a changed. I moved to Ankney and started writing styled in the heartland and got in school full time. I met someone my boyfriend Humberto, (who told me i was super beautiful) which incidentally we knew of each other in Chicago. Since I’ve been in central Iowa ive idolized my fellow bloggers (Kaitlyn and Samantha they are hard working girls and are so beautiful and everything i am not). Ive been wrestling a lot latley with my weight , and if i should keep going with my blog, i told Jenna from Chi City Fashion i hate being labeled as plus size, no one is into what I’m into. She told me just to go with what you know.
Since this summer, I’ve been still deeply hating who i am. I hate what i see when i look at myself. I try to tell myself God Loves me For who i am, i have friends and family that really like me. Those obsessive compulsive thoughts JUST don’t even go away. Even at go blog social i kept thinking GOD I’m like the fattest girl here.. I really want to have plastic surgery to get rid of my ugly body. I just honestly want to be skinny and cute i just hate the way i look. I try to love myself (i know how can i love someone when i cant love me) but i have my good days and bad days and im a lot healthier than i was 3 years ago. I never set out to write tonight this but i try to remember God never Made NO JUNK. I need to learn to love myself, and accept and try to think Im still functioning and i do have people in my life that love me.
-with that,ill end my story of #realbloggerbeauty.